Could I Break the Cycle?

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I saw how my mother and my sister struggled within their decisions because they thought they were in love. They made those men their priorities and forgot all about their plans and goals. They weren’t thinking about their futures; they were thinking about the present with them. Witnessing those decisions had made me analyze who I was, am, and want to be. Will making the same decisions make me reach happiness, or changing my perspective find me a new beginning? My mother became my hero, yet I decided I want to be nothing like her; I want to break the cycle.

Although I had an amazing childhood and looked up to my mother because of the strong person she is, there came a point where I feared becoming like her. My mother’s life has been a series of life changing decisions that at the time seemed right but ended hurting the people around her. For example, one of the biggest decisions she made was struggling two jobs at a time, this meant that I didn’t get to see much of her on a daily basis. At the time I felt abandoned because I was used to having her around every single minute of the day. After years of financial struggle, my mother decided that it was best for the family to immigrate to the United States. She thought that by coming here it would give us better opportunities and it would give her more time with us because she only needed one job. After all, it was true, she was there for us more than ever. She worked extra hard to support and make us happy, but that didn’t change the fact that I had to start over. I was angry and scared, and I hated the fact that her decisions hurt me the most. How could she be so selfish?  The person I considered my role model slowly shattered my expectations and left me vulnerable.

As a result, by the time I was seventeen, I had experienced more emotional damage than a normal teenager would have. I found myself depressed, feeling insecure, confused, and emotionally drained. Part of the reasons why I felt that way was due to the effects my mom had in all her relationships, relationships that began as fairytales and ended in fights and loneliness.  Seeing my mother so vulnerable made me feel insecure about having a relationship of my own.  In addition to that, my sister had also fallen into my mother’s cycle without realizing it. Witnessing the fights and my mom’s ego being shattered by men would often lead to me locking myself in a room for a whole day. It later began to be more than just one day and I wouldn’t come out, not even to eat.  I didn’t want to be emotionally involved in a situation that could trigger my anxiety, which would keep me from achieving my daily activities. I would often question myself, “Is this really the life I want for me?” That was the moment I realized the importance of being who I wanted to be and what future I wanted to build for myself.

After years of self evaluation and determination, I have finally come to the point where it is time for me to take matters into my own hands and break the cycle. I would do what my mother and sister never did, have my own career and become independent. I can see how my mother’s eyes lighten when she sees me dedicated to my studies; after all, she never knew what it was to go to college because she never finished junior high. Trying to be that independent and successful person has inspired my sister into getting her career as well. I am glad I can be an inspiration to my sister, and I hope I can be an inspiration to other people as well. After all, being successful in a dysfunctional family can be quite challenging, but not impossible.

Even though I’ve always looked up to my mother, I knew I had to make decisions that would lead me to a different path. My mother inspired me to be a different, and better person. I have learned throughout my life that she is a fighter, and even though her decisions affected me more than I would like to admit, they have made me the person I am today. Although I want to be different from my mother, I admire the courage she had, being a single mother must not be easy. That doesn’t change my decision on wanting to be better than her. Breaking the cycle is a long life process, but I am determined to break it, and I will.